Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Humor: Alternative History: Trivial

Little-Known Romans

You probably heard in school that the Greeks were great thinkers, and that the Library in Alexandria was a great place to get Starbucks coffee and read a good book.

I'm here to tell you that the Romans had it goin' on, too. They were great thinkers - men and women of action. After all, they lasted a bunch more years than the United States has, and look how much the US toots its own horn. So - just who were these great people, and what did they do to be great?
   
Abacus
Invented the personal computer. Fond of apples.
Acrimonious
Minority leader of the Senate. Invented the filibuster.
Album
Art collector; invented portable art form for display at parties. Often heard wondering why he couldn’t collect sounds yet.
Aldus
The manager of the Senate's library and chief diarist, called the "Pagemaker".
Analogous
Sort of a storyteller / journalist.
Anonymous
The most quoted authority in history.
Anus
Caesar's proctologist. Advisor to Caesar on public policy matters. Invented system of storing and retrieving important Senate documents. Co-inventor of the document shredder.
Aroma
Publicist in charge of increasing tourism to Rome, which has an abundance of stables and open sewers. Quote: “What smell?"
Barium
Problem-solver from the Sicilian region of the Empire.
Bilious
Governor of the Arkans region of Rome; eventual ascent to throne marked the decline of Roman military might and the appointment of favored but inexperienced cronies to high public office. Noted for low language skills, particularly definitions, despite extensive study at the world's leading language school. Husband to Hilarious.
Bogus
Press agent for the Caesar Administration.
Bonus
Leading employer of Rome; started practice of rewarding slave owners for the increase of output of slaves and other subjugated persons.
Brutus
A surgeon, he invented a way to halt seizures.
Bus
Caesar's chauffeur.
Census
Chief tax official of the Empire. Sole person to understand Form MXL (long).
Circus
Famed promoter of stage acts, among them Bacchus Street Boys, Uno Direction, Britnum Spearius, Lady Gagus, Cher and the Rolling Stones.
Conscience
Political prisoner, serving life term.
Cumulus
Caesar’s weatherman.
Curious
Chief detective in Caesar’s Roman Bureau of Investigation. Renowned criminal profiler. The model for Vidocq and Sherlock Holmes.
Delirium
Invented absinthe. Thought to have been a major player in senatorial debate.
Discus
Invented the Frisbee. The concept was lost for a few hundred years on Caesar’s roof.
Doofus
Caesar’s useless brother. Model for chief officialdom for millennia.
Eponymous
Anonymous' real name.
Esophagus
Entertainer; a baritone singer renowned for his range and volume of voice. Married Uvula.
Famous
Publicity agent.
Feces
Developed the infant science of wastewater processing, in association with Plumbum.
Fetus
Intern studying with Caesar's surgeon Brutus; inspired by Brutus to invent the Caesarian Section.
Fitnus
Caesar’s personal trainer and gym manager. Invented synthetic breasts after noting what happened when some clients lost weight.
Focus
Assistant to Greek optics experimenter Spectacles, who stole his designs while he was concentrating on the latest problem.
Formula
Caesar’s chemist. Invented synthetic breast milk upon being notified of Fitnus’ invention.
Fulcrum
Caesar’s “pivot man”, around which Roman social gatherings revolved.
Fungus
Caesar’s unpopular cousin, whose arrival at Roman social gatherings signalled their end.
Genius
Inventor, more famous as apologist for Bacchus, Hilarious and Bilious.
Genus
Caesar’s zookeeper.
Hilarious
Put forth the idea that Caesar's wife could be an effective force for Roman public health care (no). Made thousands of talents dealing in publicly-traded asses under suspicious circumstances. Was involved in embarrassing postal service scandal when documents she mailed to the Senate appeared back at her home, postage due, two years later.
Hotnus
Caesar's main squeeze. Blonde, not shy, ~5'3" - in four-inch heels!
Humerus
Assisted by associates Tibia and Femur, was the Roman scientist who discovered osteoporosis, a decidedly unfunny disease.
Humungous
Stylist for Caesar's court. Pioneered the idea that stretch clothing in bright colors was appropriate for large women. Invented the parade float.
Humus
Caesar's gardener, before it became possible to hire the Japanese.
Igneous
Geologist and engineer. Attended by daughter, Magma, he operated a mine on the flank of Vesuvius. Chief figure in conspiracy theories dealing with the destruction of Pompeii.
Impervious
Invented the waterproof toga, the precursor to the raincoat.
Incredulous
Grand-nephew of “Doubting” Thomas. Still can’t believe Great-Unk was fooled by that trick.
Isosceles
Invented the roof truss, A-Frame home, and, assisted by Rhombus, the swing set.
Isthmus
Invented the "causeway" - but his demonstration project was halted by environmental lawsuits when only half completed. His chief engineer, Peninsula, received a jail sentence. He and his daughters, Islet and Atoll, moved to Crete to continue the construction business with his patented synthetic rock.
Jesus
Caesar’s illegal immigrant landscaper (the carpenter guy you’re thinking of was really “Yeshua”, as the letter “J” was not used for several hundred more years).
Julius
Distributor of Rome's most popular citrus drink. Owned estate in Valencia.
Lexus
Builder of fine chariots and chariot accessories.
Litany
A Roman senator. Formerly, as a prosecutor, initiated the concept of charging the same person for several crimes based on the same, single criminal action.
Litmus
Invented the industrial inspection gauge called, “Go/No-Go”,  and a method for testing wine that didn’t produce unconsciousness after a couple of hours.
Magnum
Private Investigator in Caesar's employ, renowned for his good looks; reputed to carry large weapons and an enormous container of wine.
Mobius
Owner of the largest strip club in Rome, open XXIV / VII / CCCLXV. It contained a maze, making it difficult to leave the premises.
Momentum
“Hype” man at Caesar’s favorite OTB parlor. Noticed that once a gladiator “got going”, he was hard to stop, and developed ways to spot such a thing.
Mucous
Mucus’ British cousin.
Mucus
Lawyer; used the Twinkie™ defense to free his client, Brutus, from an indictment for killing Caesar with a knife. Bystanders clearly heard Caesar ask Brutus if he had eaten two.
Nautilus
Invented the “workout machine” for Fitnus, modifying oars taken from ships of the line. Developed such machinery to propel his other invention, the submarine, on which construction was abandoned at the halfway point: diving was easy, surfacing was not.
Nimbus
Psychologist who proved that the whole universe revolved around her.
Onus
Caesar's eldest child, for whom the household staff worked hardest.
Opium
Opus' cousin, the "black sheep" of the family. Rich, though no one talks about his sources of income. Always on the road in his custom, lowered Lexus chariot.
Opossum
The first recorded case of narcolepsy.
Optimum
Roman engineer who implemented the very first quality controls.
Opus
Author. Red-headed son of the chief law enforcement officer, Andus Taylorus.
Pendulous
Courtesan recorded in the Guinnuss Scroll of Empirical Records as having the largest bosom in Rome: Size LXX - about the size of an "XXL" T-shirt today.
Pendulum
Invented the grandfather clock, after watching two criminals swing in the breeze along the Appian Way.
Phallus
Architect specializing in towers. Strangely, the meaning of his work has become exactly reversed over the ensuing centuries.
Platinum
Inventor of hair dye. Held patent on several other cosmetic "enhancements" for women; also known for loaning money to those who could not pay for his services immediately, recording such debt on small cards.
Platypus
"Prank" taxidermist renowned for his inventive "trophy" wildlife.
Plumbum
Invented the "pipe". As a matter of course, invented a method for ensuring that gravity would always provide the motive force for drainage via his piping.
Pus
The patron saint of teenaged Romans (called "Acne" in Greece). Invented benzocaine; discovered kaolin and bentonite.
Quantum
Theorist who specialized in the examination of very small things; was hampered by having to wait for Leewenhouk to invent the microscope, and by his fondness for drink: Schrödinger's ale, the drinking of which may or may not leave one inebriated, and Heisenberg Stout, of which one may know how much has been consumed or how intoxicated one is, but not both.
Quorum
Roman senator famous for rambling oratory and slight grasp of reality, often described as “not all there”. His predicament may have been hereditary or the result of chemical abuses, but this led to the measure of attendance necessary for an effective meeting… his modern descendant is former state Rep. Corrine Brown - D, FL.
Radius
Scientist and mathematician. First to divide a diameter by two (not easy in Roman numerals!)
Rebus
Nobody quite knows what to make of Rebus...
Rectum
Assistant to Anus (see above)
Remus
Messenger for Bonus; became infamous for his speed at delivering bad news (see above).
Rhesus
Animal behaviorist and experimenter.
Rhombus
Coinventor of the swing set.
Rictus
Invented use of botulinum toxin for cosmetic reasons. Family is source of legendary statement, “Your face will freeze like that”.
Ridiculous
Wrote the Roman tax code. Its principles are still in use today.
Righteous
Founder of the Only Baptist Church of Rome (it changed its name when a second one popped up).
Rufus
Travel Agent. Tagline: "Let me take you on an Excellent Adventure!"
Sarcophagus
The official Embalmer of Rome.
Scrofulous
Outcast reporter of gossip among Rome’s elite.
Scrotum
Captain of Testicles' royal guard. Among his duties was that of keeping the men together. Often boastful about his "old unit".
Scrupulous
The world’s first ethicist. Dismissed by Bilious for giving Hilarious trouble. His horse was nicknamed, “Scruples”, referred to upon his dismissal with the first use of the term, “…and the horse you rode in on!”
Simian
Geneologist in charge of Caesar’s library, featuring his family tree.
Spatula
Caesar's Cordon Bleu chef.
Specious
The first "millennial"; devoted to insignificant activities; demanded and got the first "participant" trophy.
Spectacles
Greek immigrant credited with inventing glasses. Was inspired by events at toga party following the recognition of "beer goggles".
Speculum
Assistant to Fetus. Forensic pathologist, amateur spelunker.
Sputum
A part-time Process Server and associate of Mucus; gossip columnist.
Status
An advertising agent; invented the concept of consumer competition, called, "Keeping Up With The Jonuses".
Stylus
Invented the quill pen (first to remove it from the duck before use).
Synchronous
Caesar's official timekeeper. While most of the time he had no duties, sundials being notoriously reliable, the occasional sporting event taxed him greatly.
Synonymous
Anonymous' twin brother. Maybe.
Syphilis
Caesar’s chief shepherd, a lonely fellow…
Tarsus
A footsoldier. Invented the athletic shoe.
Taurus
Builder of chariots for the common man.
Tertius
Caesar's third son, sometimes called, "Trey". Redneck. Nobody cares.
Testicles (test'-uh-cleez)
Greek-descended general officer in charge of Caesar's army. Known for tactics of sneak attack at lightning speed, without care for casualties. Not known for skill in sustained battle.
Thesaurus
Orator, famous for use of arcane and archaic idioms in speech. Distant ancestor of both William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal.
Tookus
General Kardassian's daughter, known for her dependent anatomical feature.
Tremendous
A wrestler, with the Mediterranean Wrestling Federation.
Ulna
Radius' life partner.
Uranus
Rome's leading advocate of homosexual rights. Coined phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Uranus was thrown out of the Vatican; he had more success in Greece.
Uvula
A large woman, Uvula was a vocalist, charged with singing the finale at any event; she also served as the world's first public-address system. Married Esophagus.
Vacuum
One of Caesar’s favorite concubines. Invented a new way to clean Caesar’s… quarters.

So. You can see, from this small sample, that we have a lot to be thankful for in the development of modern civilization. 

Hail Caesar!