Humor: Alternative History: Little-Known Romans

Little-Known Romans

You probably heard in school that the Greeks were great thinkers, and that the Library in Alexandria was a great place to get artisanal coffee and read a good book.

I'm here to tell you that the Romans had it goin' on, too. They were great thinkers - men and women of action. After all, they lasted a bunch more years than the United States has, and look how much the US toots its own horn. So - just who were these great people, and what did they do that was so great?
Observe carefully, and be amazed!

 

Abacus	Invented the personal computer. Fond of apples.
Acrimonious	Minority leader of the Senate. Invented the filibuster.
Album	Art collector; invented portable art form for display at parties. Often heard wondering why he couldn’t collect sounds yet.
Aldus	The manager of the Senate's library and chief diarist, called the "Pagemaker".
Analogous	Sort of a storyteller / journalist.
Anonymous	The most quoted authority in history.
Anus	Caesar's proctologist. Advisor to Caesar on public policy matters. Invented system of storing and retrieving important Senate documents. Co-inventor of the document shredder.
Aroma	Publicist in charge of increasing tourism to Rome, which has an abundance of stables and open sewers. Quote: “What smell?"
Barium	Problem-solver from the Sicilian region of the Empire.
Benadryl	Caesar’s babysitter, famous for being able to care for entire roomfuls of children at one time.
Bilious	Governor of the Arkans region of Rome; ascent to throne marked by the decline of Roman military might, the appointment of cronies to high public office, the sale of countless investments to foreign nations and the hiring and employment of, er, many interns. Noted for low language skills, particularly definitions, despite extensive study at the world's leading language school. Husband to Hilarious, and thus also an enthusiastic philanderer; for this, few blamed him, and many vigorously defended his dalliances even when they occurred on the public payroll.
Bogus	Press agent for the Caesar Administration.
Bonus	Leading employer of Rome; started practice of rewarding slave owners for the increase of output of slaves and other subjugated persons.
Brutus	A surgeon, he invented a way to halt seizures.
Bus	Caesar's chauffeur.
Census	Chief tax official of the Empire. Sole person to understand Form MXL (long).
Circus	Famed promoter of stage acts, among them Bacchus Street Boys, Uno Direction, Britnum Spearius, Lady Gagus, Cher and the Rolling Stones.
Conscience	Political prisoner, serving life term.
Cumulus	Caesar’s weatherman. Often wrong, and sincere in his sorrow he could not be more accurate, his demeanor is the reason for the saying, “under the weather”.
Curious	Chief detective in Caesar’s Roman Bureau of Investigation. Renowned criminal profiler. The model for Vidocq and Sherlock Holmes.
Dannus Ratherus	Invented “fake news”, having been caught presenting a tablet, supposedly defaming Caesar, which was written using Micromollis Sermo.
Delirium	Invented absinthe. Thought to have been a major player in senatorial debate.
Diabetes	Assisted by his chocolatier, Insulin, he invented the Twinkie, the “French” fry and several varieties of candy. Promoted holidays on which these were to be given as gifts, aided by the Roman Dental Association.
Discus	Invented the Frisbee. The concept was lost for a few hundred years on Caesar’s roof.
Doofus	Caesar’s useless brother. Model for chief officialdom for millennia.
Eponymous	Anonymous' real name.
Esophagus	Entertainer; a baritone singer renowned for his range and volume of voice. Married Uvula.
Famous	Publicity agent.
Feces	Developed the infant science of wastewater processing, in association with Plumbum.
Ferris	Promoted and saw enacted the first laws providing Workman’s Compensation, initially providing a Day Off.
Fetus	Intern studying with Caesar's surgeon Brutus; inspired by Brutus to invent the Caesarian Section.
Fitnus	Caesar’s personal trainer and gym manager. Invented synthetic breasts after noting what happened when some clients lost weight.
Focus	Assistant to Greek optics experimenter Spectacles, who stole his designs while he was concentrating on the latest problem.
Formula	Caesar’s chemist. Invented synthetic breast milk upon being notified of Fitnus’ invention.
Fulcrum	Caesar’s “pivot man”, around which Roman social gatherings revolved.
Fungus	Caesar’s unpopular cousin, whose arrival at Roman social gatherings signaled their end.
Genius	Inventor, more famous as apologist for Bacchus, Hilarious and Bilious.
Genus	Caesar’s zookeeper.
Herpes	Legendary gigolo in the service of Caesar’s court. Still a sore spot in court conversation… mentioned in Paulus Abdul’s hit, “Cold-Hearted Snake”, millennia later. Everyone has heard of him.
Hilarious	Put forth the idea that Caesar's wife could be an effective force for Roman public health care (no). Made thousands of talents dealing in publicly-traded asses under suspicious circumstances. Was involved in embarrassing postal service scandal when documents she mailed to the Senate appeared back at her home, postage due, two years later. Also known for being near a dozen or so suspicious deaths. Paid hundreds of thousands of talents in court-ordered compensation to women assaulted by Bilious. Thought to be related to Medusa, in that in addition to those suspicious deaths, no one can seem to remember anything she has done.
Hostus	Principal distributor of the Twinkie™ and dozens of other treats.
Hotnus™	Caesar's main squeeze. Spectacular Blonde, not shy, ~5'3" - in four-inch heels!
Humerus	Assisted by associates Tibia and Femur, was the Roman scientist who discovered osteoporosis, a decidedly unfunny disease.
Humungous	Stylist for Caesar's court. Pioneered the idea that stretch clothing in bright colors was appropriate for large women. Invented the parade float.
Humus	Caesar's gardener, before it became possible to hire the Japanese.
Igneous	Geologist and engineer. Attended by daughter, Magma, he operated a mine on the flank of Vesuvius. Chief figure in conspiracy theories dealing with the destruction of Pompeii.
Impervious	Invented the waterproof toga, the precursor to the raincoat.
Incredulous	Grand-nephew of “Doubting” Thomas. Still can’t believe Great-Unk was fooled by that trick.
Isosceles	Invented the roof truss, A-Frame home, and, assisted by Rhombus, the swing set.
Isthmus	Invented the "causeway" - but his demonstration project was halted by environmental lawsuits when only half completed. His chief engineer, Peninsula, received a jail sentence. He and his daughters, Islet and Atoll, moved to Crete to continue the construction business with his patented synthetic rock.
Jesus	Caesar’s illegal immigrant landscaper (the carpenter guy you’re thinking of was really “Yeshua”, as the letter “J” was not used for several hundred more years).
Julius	Distributor of Rome's most popular citrus drink. Owned estate in Valencia.
Lexus	Builder of fine chariots and chariot accessories.
Litany	A Roman senator. Formerly, as a prosecutor, initiated the concept of charging the same person for several crimes based on the same, single criminal action.
Litmus	Invented the industrial inspection gauge called, “Go/No-Go”, and a method for testing wine that didn’t produce unconsciousness after a couple of hours.
Magician	Almost criminally skilled in the arts of deception, he made himself, thousands of talents and Caesar’s favorite consort disappear from right in front of the Court!
Magnum	Private Investigator in Caesar's employ, renowned for his good looks; reputed to carry large weapons and an enormous container of wine.
Mascara	Criminal mastermind, the Roman of a Thousand Faces!
Maximum	Cosmologist. Hampered by both a lack of the rudiments of telescopy and his fascination with wine, song and fairy cake, he nonetheless promoted the idea that a “Universe” existed on a scale difficult to imagine, much less govern. Alias: Trin Tragula, on Earth incognito.
Minimum	Conservationist. Extreme, to the point of horrifying those who saw how unapologetically cheap he was.
Miraculous	An illusionist whose greatest trick was so astonishing his life story was lost to historians. He was the first to entomb someone alive – and after three days, his randomly-selected volunteer disappeared from within the tomb, even though it was guarded by Roman soldiers. His trick was published in a best-selling book.
Mobius	Owner of the largest strip club in Rome, open XXIV / VII / CCCLXV. It contained a maze, making it difficult to leave the premises.
Momentum	“Hype” man at Caesar’s favorite OTB parlor. Noticed that once a gladiator “got going”, he was hard to stop, and developed ways to spot such a thing.
Mucous	Mucus’ British cousin.
Mucus	Lawyer; used the Twinkie™ defense to free his client, Brutus, from an indictment for killing Caesar with a knife. Bystanders clearly heard Caesar ask Brutus if he had eaten two.
Nautilus	Invented the “workout machine” for Fitnus, modifying oars taken from ships of the line. Developed such machinery to propel his other invention, the submarine, on which construction was abandoned at the halfway point: diving was easy, surfacing was not.
Nimbus	Psychologist who proved that the whole universe revolved around her.
Onus	Caesar's eldest child, for whom the household staff worked hardest.
Opium	Opus' cousin, the "black sheep" of the family. Rich, though no one talks about his sources of income. Always on the road in his custom, lowered Lexus chariot.
Opossum	The first recorded case of narcolepsy.
Optimum	Roman engineer who implemented the very first quality controls.
Opus	Author. Red-headed son of the chief law enforcement officer in Mabri, Andus Taylorus.
Pendulous	Courtesan recorded in the Guinnuss Scroll of Empirical Records as having the largest bosom in Rome: Size LXX.
Pendulum	Invented the grandfather clock, after watching two criminals swing in the breeze along the Appian Way.
Phallus	Architect specializing in towers. Strangely, the meaning of his work has become exactly reversed over the ensuing centuries.
Platinum	Inventor of hair dye. Held patent on several other cosmetic "enhancements" for women; also known for loaning money to those who could not pay for his services immediately, recording such debt on small silver cards.
Platypus	"Prank" taxidermist renowned for his inventive "trophy" wildlife.
Plumbum	Invented the "pipe". Coincidentally invented a method for ensuring that gravity would always provide the motive force for drainage via his piping.
Podium	Invented the “lectern” after noticing that the toga often acted to distract the audience from what he was saying. This device now serves to conceal a lack of manhood on the part of a great many politicians, even as it frustrates countless plebeians intent on studying the nether regions of more feminine speakers.
Pus	The patron saint of teenaged Romans (called "Acne" in Greece). Invented benzocaine; discovered kaolin and bentonite.
Quantum	Theorist who specialized in the examination of very small things; was hampered by having to wait for Leewenhouk to invent the microscope, and by his fondness for drink: Schrödinger's ale, the drinking of which may or may not leave one inebriated, and Heisenberg Stout, of which one may know how much has been consumed or how intoxicated one is, but not both.
Quorum	Roman senator famous for rambling oratory and slight grasp of reality, often described as “not all there”. His predicament may have been hereditary or the result of chemical abuses, but this led to the measure of attendance necessary for an effective meeting… his modern descendants are former state Rep. Corrine Brown - D, FL, and part-time President Joe Biden.
Radius	Scientist and mathematician. First to divide a diameter by two (not easy in Roman numerals!)
Rebus	Nobody quite knows what to make of Rebus...
Rectum	Assistant to Anus (see above)
Remus	Messenger for Bonus; became infamous for his speed at delivering bad news (see above).
Rhesus	Animal behaviorist and experimenter.
Rhombus	Coinventor of the swing set.
Rictus	Invented use of botulinum toxin for cosmetic reasons. Family is source of legendary statement, “Your face will freeze like that”.
Ridiculous	Wrote the Roman tax code. Its principles are still in use today.
Righteous	Founder of the Only Baptist Church of Rome (it changed its name to “First…” when a second one popped up).
Ritalin	Principal of Rome’s first public elementary school, notable for having zero disciplinary problems during his tenure. Its low academic rating is rarely discussed, parents being more appreciative of the school’s zero crime rate than appalled at their progeny’s inability to move out of the garage.
Rufus	Travel Agent. Tagline: "Let me take you on an Excellent Adventure!"
Sarcophagus	The official Embalmer of Rome.
Scrofulous	Outcast reporter of gossip among Rome’s elite.
Scrotum	Captain of Testicles' royal guard. Among his duties was that of keeping the men together. Often boastful about his "old unit".
Scrupulous	The world’s first ethicist. Dismissed by Bilious for giving Hilarious trouble. His horse was nicknamed, “Scruples”, referred to upon his dismissal with the first use of the term, “…and the horse you rode in on!”
Simian	Genealogist in charge of Caesar’s library, featuring his family tree.
Spatula	Caesar's Cordon Bleu chef.
Specious	The first "millennial"; devoted to insignificant activities; demanded and got the first "participant" trophy.
Spectacles	Greek immigrant credited with inventing "glasses". Was inspired by events at toga party following the recognition of "beer goggles".
Speculum	Assistant to Fetus. Forensic pathologist, amateur spelunker.
Sputum	A part-time Process Server and associate of Mucus; gossip columnist and panelist on “Rome’s Got Talent”.
Status	An advertising agent; invented the concept of consumer competition, called, "Keeping Up With The Jonuses".
Stylus	Invented the quill pen.
Synchronous	Caesar's official timekeeper. While most of the time he had no duties, sundials being notoriously reliable, the occasional sporting event tested him severely.
Synonymous	Anonymous' twin brother. Maybe.
Syphilis	Caesar’s chief shepherd, a lonely fellow…
Tarsus	A footsoldier. Invented the athletic shoe.
Taurus	Builder of chariots for the common man.
Tertius	Caesar's third son, sometimes called, "Trey". Redneck. Nobody cares.
Testicles (test'-uh-cleez)	Greek-descended general officer in charge of Caesar's army. Known for tactics of sneak attack at lightning speed, without care for casualties. Not known for skill in sustained battle.
Thesaurus	Orator, famous for use of arcane and archaic idioms in speech. Distant ancestor of both William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal.
Thermos	Invented the insulated beverage container. Assistant Styros found limited success in applying the principle to structures.
Tookus	General Kardashian's daughter, known for her dependent anatomical feature.
Tremendous	A wrestler, with the Mediterranean Wrestling Federation.
Ulna	Radius' life partner.
Uranus	Rome's leading advocate of homosexual rights. Coined phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Uranus was thrown out of the Vatican; he had more success in Greece.
Uvula	A large woman, Uvula was a vocalist, charged with singing the finale at any event; she also served as the world's first public-address system. Married Esophagus.
Vacuum	One of Caesar’s favorite concubines. Invented a new way to clean Caesar’s… quarters.
Xanax	Caesar’s pharmacist. With assistant Valium, world-renowned for his inventory of tranquilizers.

So. You can see, from this small sample, that we have a lot to be thankful for in the development of modern civilization!

Hail Caesar!