Sunday, December 11, 2016

The Measure Of A Man

Not every hero wears a uniform. Some wear plain clothes.

Among the legends of music and astronautics who have passed this year, a less-famous man left us as well: Sacha Dzuba, an aspiring actor, gifted musician and powerfully charismatic fellow whose tribute Facebook page had over 500 members within hours of his passing.
I met Sacha when his band The Julia Dream set up in the Marriott Marquis for DragonCon on a Thursday night. I found him modest about his abilities - which I am aware is the actual sign of great talent. Their performance that night was amazing.

In conversation I found Sacha to have that eagerness to learn that is the hallmark of youth, increasingly rare among us. He had a sureness about him that made me want to hear what he had to say next, which is also rare, for me. His bearing compelled most near him to be better people, to be interesting enough to remain in his company.

Have you ever met such a person? Someone who was so good at just being themselves that you shut up to see what he was doing, and then modified what you were doing to be more like that?
I hope each of you have the opportunity to meet such a person as Sacha, an extraordinary man with the charisma and manner to entertain and inspire - immediately.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Humor: Scatological: Technical\Nerdy


It has come to our attention that certain persons capable of great focus are not conversant with some ordinary societal functions. This missive should immediately produce improvement in personal interaction at work when posted in the appropriate locations.

Operation of the Typical Flush Toilet

A Guide


The irregularly-shaped white object contained in this privacy booth or stall is a flush toilet. This dual-element, semi-interruptible toroid and its supporting equipment uses state-of-the-art gravitic principles to remove undesired human waste from occupied spaces, thus increasing their habitability and contributing positively to personal hygiene and public health.
When gastric processes increase physical demands upon your system and intrude upon your awareness, possibly distracting you from contemplation of the relative merits of saline vs. silicone in implant technology, it may be time to defecate. The flush toilet is designed to assist you. Thus, this guide.
After entering the stall, take a few moments to examine the sides of the stall for cellulose sheeting, provided on a spool in a dispenser. If the dispenser is empty or nearly so, sortie to find supplies locally or call for assistance from a capable co-worker, taking care to select one cognizant of the task itself with respect to the social strictures which may apply to your workgroup.
Observe the ergonomics of the flush toilet, and note that a seat has been provided to support your weight while the difficult task of purging waste matter is in progress. Observe also the provision of a receiving basin in the toroid, and a control for the admission of fresh water to said basin. Activate this control now to observe the release of potential energy, and the principle of operation of the toilet: matter introduced into the bowl will be entrained and conveyed to processing equipment by the conversion of potential to kinetic energy provided by the piping arrangement. The sequence will time out.
Close the door securely.
Recall the sequence of actions necessary to disrobe, and execute enough of the procedure to remove your current clothing configuration from the likely direction(s) of your personal waste stream.
Sit, facing the door of the stall, so that you may attain greater comfort utilizing the installed seat and be in position to defend your throne against intrusion. Important: more than one person may not use this equipment concurrently without exceeding its design bases.
Defecate. This sequence will also time out.
This process may take some time to reach equilibrium. While you are verifying that transfer success is likely, consider flushing the bowl immediately to reduce odor. Be warned that this measure may result in inadvertent immersion of the posterior, depending on the magnitude of energy release this equipment demonstrates and the flow capacity of effluent piping, in bowl contents; such risk is enhanced for persons whose dependent anatomical features are considered protuberant.
When relief is attained – signified by the cessation of waste flow and the commensurate desire to defecate – flush the bowl. This lowers the likelihood of inadvertent contact with the pathogenic fraction of bowl contents and the consequent propagation of bacteria, E. coli chief among them.
Use the wall dispenser to obtain several sheets of thin cellulose fiber. Place the sheets in your hand so as to enable the removal of incidental fecal matter which may cling to your body, and pass them over obvious and likely areas. Drop each soiled sheet into the bowl. Take care not to allow gross accumulation, which could prevent proper toilet operation in subsequent flushing. There is no penalty for precautionary flushing of the apparatus.
When visual inspection of cellulose sheeting indicates that apparent incidental fecal matter is removed, and flushing has carried away both waste and the attendant paperwork, stand and replace clothing removed for this activity, taking care to place it in a configuration suitable for public appearance.
Exit the stall.
Proceed to wash hands against the possibility of undetected incidental contact with waste in accordance with the instructions in, “Operation of the Typical Lavatory Sink – A Guide”.

Article ©RadwasteUSA - 2016

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Humor: Alternative History: Little-Known Romans

Little-Known Romans

You probably heard in school that the Greeks were great thinkers, and that the Library in Alexandria was a great place to get artisanal coffee and read a good book.

I'm here to tell you that the Romans had it goin' on, too. They were great thinkers - men and women of action. After all, they lasted a bunch more years than the United States has, and look how much the US toots its own horn. So - just who were these great people, and what did they do that was so great?
Observe carefully, and be amazed!
 

Abacus

Invented the personal computer. Fond of apples.

Acrimonious

Minority leader of the Senate. Invented the filibuster.

Album

Art collector; invented portable art form for display at parties. Often heard wondering why he couldn’t collect sounds yet.

Aldus

The manager of the Senate's library and chief diarist, called the "Pagemaker".

Analogous

Sort of a storyteller / journalist.

Anonymous

The most quoted authority in history.

Anus

Caesar's proctologist. Advisor to Caesar on public policy matters. Invented system of storing and retrieving important Senate documents. Co-inventor of the document shredder.

Aroma

Publicist in charge of increasing tourism to Rome, which has an abundance of stables and open sewers. Quote: “What smell?"

Barium

Problem-solver from the Sicilian region of the Empire.

Benadryl

Caesar’s babysitter, famous for being able to care for entire roomfuls of children at one time.

Bilious

Governor of the Arkans region of Rome; ascent to throne marked by the decline of Roman military might, the appointment of cronies to high public office, the sale of countless investments to foreign nations and the hiring and employment of, er, many interns. Noted for low language skills, particularly definitions, despite extensive study at the world's leading language school. Husband to Hilarious, and thus also an enthusiastic philanderer; for this, few blamed him, and many vigorously defended his dalliances even when they occurred on the public payroll.

Bogus

Press agent for the Caesar Administration.

Bonus

Leading employer of Rome; started practice of rewarding slave owners for the increase of output of slaves and other subjugated persons.

Brutus

A surgeon, he invented a way to halt seizures.

Bus

Caesar's chauffeur.

Census

Chief tax official of the Empire. Sole person to understand Form MXL (long).

Circus

Famed promoter of stage acts, among them Bacchus Street Boys, Uno Direction, Britnum Spearius, Lady Gagus, Cher and the Rolling Stones.

Conscience

Political prisoner, serving life term.

Cumulus

Caesar’s weatherman. Often wrong, and sincere in his sorrow he could not be more accurate, his demeanor is the reason for the saying, “under the weather”.

Curious

Chief detective in Caesar’s Roman Bureau of Investigation. Renowned criminal profiler. The model for Vidocq and Sherlock Holmes.

Dannus Ratherus

Invented “fake news”, having been caught presenting a tablet, supposedly defaming Caesar, which was written using Micromollis Sermo.

Delirium

Invented absinthe. Thought to have been a major player in senatorial debate.

Diabetes

Assisted by his chocolatier, Insulin, he invented the Twinkie, the “French” fry and several varieties of candy. Promoted holidays on which these were to be given as gifts, aided by the Roman Dental Association.

Discus

Invented the Frisbee. The concept was lost for a few hundred years on Caesar’s roof.

Doofus

Caesar’s useless brother. Model for chief officialdom for millennia.

Eponymous

Anonymous' real name.

Esophagus

Entertainer; a baritone singer renowned for his range and volume of voice. Married Uvula.

Famous

Publicity agent.

Feces

Developed the infant science of wastewater processing, in association with Plumbum.

Ferris

Promoted and saw enacted the first laws providing Workman’s Compensation, initially providing a Day Off.

Fetus

Intern studying with Caesar's surgeon Brutus; inspired by Brutus to invent the Caesarian Section.

Fitnus

Caesar’s personal trainer and gym manager. Invented synthetic breasts after noting what happened when some clients lost weight.

Focus

Assistant to Greek optics experimenter Spectacles, who stole his designs while he was concentrating on the latest problem.

Formula

Caesar’s chemist. Invented synthetic breast milk upon being notified of Fitnus’ invention.

Fulcrum

Caesar’s “pivot man”, around which Roman social gatherings revolved.

Fungus

Caesar’s unpopular cousin, whose arrival at Roman social gatherings signaled their end.

Genius

Inventor, more famous as apologist for Bacchus, Hilarious and Bilious.

Genus

Caesar’s zookeeper.

Herpes

Legendary gigolo in the service of Caesar’s court. Still a sore spot in court conversation… mentioned in Paulus Abdul’s hit, “Cold-Hearted Snake”, millennia later. Everyone has heard of him.

Hilarious

Put forth the idea that Caesar's wife could be an effective force for Roman public health care (no). Made thousands of talents dealing in publicly-traded asses under suspicious circumstances. Was involved in embarrassing postal service scandal when documents she mailed to the Senate appeared back at her home, postage due, two years later. Also known for being near a dozen or so suspicious deaths. Paid hundreds of thousands of talents in court-ordered compensation to women assaulted by Bilious. Thought to be related to Medusa, in that in addition to those suspicious deaths, no one can seem to remember anything she has done.

Hostus

Principal distributor of the Twinkie™ and dozens of other treats.

Hotnus™

Caesar's main squeeze. Spectacular Blonde, not shy, ~5'3" - in four-inch heels!

Humerus

Assisted by associates Tibia and Femur, was the Roman scientist who discovered osteoporosis, a decidedly unfunny disease.

Humungous

Stylist for Caesar's court. Pioneered the idea that stretch clothing in bright colors was appropriate for large women. Invented the parade float.

Humus

Caesar's gardener, before it became possible to hire the Japanese.

Igneous

Geologist and engineer. Attended by daughter, Magma, he operated a mine on the flank of Vesuvius. Chief figure in conspiracy theories dealing with the destruction of Pompeii.

Impervious

Invented the waterproof toga, the precursor to the raincoat.

Incredulous

Grand-nephew of “Doubting” Thomas. Still can’t believe Great-Unk was fooled by that trick.

Isosceles

Invented the roof truss, A-Frame home, and, assisted by Rhombus, the swing set.

Isthmus

Invented the "causeway" - but his demonstration project was halted by environmental lawsuits when only half completed. His chief engineer, Peninsula, received a jail sentence. He and his daughters, Islet and Atoll, moved to Crete to continue the construction business with his patented synthetic rock.

Jesus

Caesar’s illegal immigrant landscaper (the carpenter guy you’re thinking of was really “Yeshua”, as the letter “J” was not used for several hundred more years).

Julius

Distributor of Rome's most popular citrus drink. Owned estate in Valencia.

Lexus

Builder of fine chariots and chariot accessories.

Litany

A Roman senator. Formerly, as a prosecutor, initiated the concept of charging the same person for several crimes based on the same, single criminal action.

Litmus

Invented the industrial inspection gauge called, “Go/No-Go”, and a method for testing wine that didn’t produce unconsciousness after a couple of hours.

Magician

Almost criminally skilled in the arts of deception, he made himself, thousands of talents and Caesar’s favorite consort disappear from right in front of the Court!

Magnum

Private Investigator in Caesar's employ, renowned for his good looks; reputed to carry large weapons and an enormous container of wine.

Mascara

Criminal mastermind, the Roman of a Thousand Faces!

Maximum

Cosmologist. Hampered by both a lack of the rudiments of telescopy and his fascination with wine, song and fairy cake, he nonetheless promoted the idea that a “Universe” existed on a scale difficult to imagine, much less govern. Alias: Trin Tragula, on Earth incognito.

Minimum

Conservationist. Extreme, to the point of horrifying those who saw how unapologetically cheap he was.

Miraculous

An illusionist whose greatest trick was so astonishing his life story was lost to historians. He was the first to entomb someone alive – and after three days, his randomly-selected volunteer disappeared from within the tomb, even though it was guarded by Roman soldiers. His trick was published in a best-selling book.

Mobius

Owner of the largest strip club in Rome, open XXIV / VII / CCCLXV. It contained a maze, making it difficult to leave the premises.

Momentum

“Hype” man at Caesar’s favorite OTB parlor. Noticed that once a gladiator “got going”, he was hard to stop, and developed ways to spot such a thing.

Mucous

Mucus’ British cousin.

Mucus

Lawyer; used the Twinkie™ defense to free his client, Brutus, from an indictment for killing Caesar with a knife. Bystanders clearly heard Caesar ask Brutus if he had eaten two.

Nautilus

Invented the “workout machine” for Fitnus, modifying oars taken from ships of the line. Developed such machinery to propel his other invention, the submarine, on which construction was abandoned at the halfway point: diving was easy, surfacing was not.

Nimbus

Psychologist who proved that the whole universe revolved around her.

Onus

Caesar's eldest child, for whom the household staff worked hardest.

Opium

Opus' cousin, the "black sheep" of the family. Rich, though no one talks about his sources of income. Always on the road in his custom, lowered Lexus chariot.

Opossum

The first recorded case of narcolepsy.

Optimum

Roman engineer who implemented the very first quality controls.

Opus

Author. Red-headed son of the chief law enforcement officer in Mabri, Andus Taylorus.

Pendulous

Courtesan recorded in the Guinnuss Scroll of Empirical Records as having the largest bosom in Rome: Size LXX.

Pendulum

Invented the grandfather clock, after watching two criminals swing in the breeze along the Appian Way.

Phallus

Architect specializing in towers. Strangely, the meaning of his work has become exactly reversed over the ensuing centuries.

Platinum

Inventor of hair dye. Held patent on several other cosmetic "enhancements" for women; also known for loaning money to those who could not pay for his services immediately, recording such debt on small silver cards.

Platypus

"Prank" taxidermist renowned for his inventive "trophy" wildlife.

Plumbum

Invented the "pipe". Coincidentally invented a method for ensuring that gravity would always provide the motive force for drainage via his piping.

Podium

Invented the “lectern” after noticing that the toga often acted to distract the audience from what he was saying. This device now serves to conceal a lack of manhood on the part of a great many politicians, even as it frustrates countless plebeians intent on studying the nether regions of more feminine speakers.

Pus

The patron saint of teenaged Romans (called "Acne" in Greece). Invented benzocaine; discovered kaolin and bentonite.

Quantum

Theorist who specialized in the examination of very small things; was hampered by having to wait for Leewenhouk to invent the microscope, and by his fondness for drink: Schrödinger's ale, the drinking of which may or may not leave one inebriated, and Heisenberg Stout, of which one may know how much has been consumed or how intoxicated one is, but not both.

Quorum

Roman senator famous for rambling oratory and slight grasp of reality, often described as “not all there”. His predicament may have been hereditary or the result of chemical abuses, but this led to the measure of attendance necessary for an effective meeting… his modern descendants are former state Rep. Corrine Brown - D, FL, and part-time President Joe Biden.

Radius

Scientist and mathematician. First to divide a diameter by two (not easy in Roman numerals!)

Rebus

Nobody quite knows what to make of Rebus...

Rectum

Assistant to Anus (see above)

Remus

Messenger for Bonus; became infamous for his speed at delivering bad news (see above).

Rhesus

Animal behaviorist and experimenter.

Rhombus

Coinventor of the swing set.

Rictus

Invented use of botulinum toxin for cosmetic reasons. Family is source of legendary statement, “Your face will freeze like that”.

Ridiculous

Wrote the Roman tax code. Its principles are still in use today.

Righteous

Founder of the Only Baptist Church of Rome (it changed its name to “First…” when a second one popped up).

Ritalin

Principal of Rome’s first public elementary school, notable for having zero disciplinary problems during his tenure. Its low academic rating is rarely discussed, parents being more appreciative of the school’s zero crime rate than appalled at their progeny’s inability to move out of the garage.

Rufus

Travel Agent. Tagline: "Let me take you on an Excellent Adventure!"

Sarcophagus

The official Embalmer of Rome.

Scrofulous

Outcast reporter of gossip among Rome’s elite.

Scrotum

Captain of Testicles' royal guard. Among his duties was that of keeping the men together. Often boastful about his "old unit".

Scrupulous

The world’s first ethicist. Dismissed by Bilious for giving Hilarious trouble. His horse was nicknamed, “Scruples”, referred to upon his dismissal with the first use of the term, “…and the horse you rode in on!”

Simian

Genealogist in charge of Caesar’s library, featuring his family tree.

Spatula

Caesar's Cordon Bleu chef.

Specious

The first "millennial"; devoted to insignificant activities; demanded and got the first "participant" trophy.

Spectacles

Greek immigrant credited with inventing "glasses". Was inspired by events at toga party following the recognition of "beer goggles".

Speculum

Assistant to Fetus. Forensic pathologist, amateur spelunker.

Sputum

A part-time Process Server and associate of Mucus; gossip columnist and panelist on “Rome’s Got Talent”.

Status

An advertising agent; invented the concept of consumer competition, called, "Keeping Up With The Jonuses".

Stylus

Invented the quill pen.

Synchronous

Caesar's official timekeeper. While most of the time he had no duties, sundials being notoriously reliable, the occasional sporting event tested him severely.

Synonymous

Anonymous' twin brother. Maybe.

Syphilis

Caesar’s chief shepherd, a lonely fellow…

Tarsus

A footsoldier. Invented the athletic shoe.

Taurus

Builder of chariots for the common man.

Tertius

Caesar's third son, sometimes called, "Trey". Redneck. Nobody cares.

Testicles (test'-uh-cleez)

Greek-descended general officer in charge of Caesar's army. Known for tactics of sneak attack at lightning speed, without care for casualties. Not known for skill in sustained battle.

Thesaurus

Orator, famous for use of arcane and archaic idioms in speech. Distant ancestor of both William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal.

Thermos

Invented the insulated beverage container. Assistant Styros found limited success in applying the principle to structures.

Tookus

General Kardashian's daughter, known for her dependent anatomical feature.

Tremendous

A wrestler, with the Mediterranean Wrestling Federation.

Ulna

Radius' life partner.

Uranus

Rome's leading advocate of homosexual rights. Coined phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Uranus was thrown out of the Vatican; he had more success in Greece.

Uvula

A large woman, Uvula was a vocalist, charged with singing the finale at any event; she also served as the world's first public-address system. Married Esophagus.

Vacuum

One of Caesar’s favorite concubines. Invented a new way to clean Caesar’s… quarters.

Xanax

Caesar’s pharmacist. With assistant Valium, world-renowned for his inventory of tranquilizers.


So. You can see, from this small sample, that we have a lot to be thankful for in the development of modern civilization!

Hail Caesar!