Humor: Alternative History: Little-Known Romans

Little-Known Romans

You probably heard in school that the Greeks were great thinkers, and that the Library in Alexandria was a great place to get artisanal coffee and read a good book.

I'm here to tell you that the Romans had it goin' on, too. They were great thinkers - men and women of action. After all, they lasted a bunch more years than the United States has, and look how much the US toots its own horn. So - just who were these great people, and what did they do that was so great?
Observe carefully, and be amazed!

 

Abacus	Invented the personal computer. Fond of apples.
Acrimonious	Minority leader of the Senate. Invented the filibuster.
Album	Art collector; invented portable art form for display at parties. Often heard wondering why he couldn’t collect sounds yet.
Aldus	The manager of the Senate's library and chief diarist, called the "Pagemaker".
Analogous	Sort of a storyteller / journalist.
Anonymous	The most quoted authority in history.
Anus	Caesar's proctologist. Advisor to Caesar on public policy matters. Invented system of storing and retrieving important Senate documents. Co-inventor of the document shredder.
Aroma	Publicist in charge of increasing tourism to Rome, which has an abundance of stables and open sewers. Quote: “What smell?"
Barium	Problem-solver from the Sicilian region of the Empire.
Benadryl	Caesar’s babysitter, famous for being able to care for entire roomfuls of children at one time.
Bilious	Governor of the Arkans region of Rome; ascent to throne marked by the decline of Roman military might, the appointment of cronies to high public office, the sale of countless investments to foreign nations and the hiring and employment of, er, many interns. Noted for low language skills, particularly definitions, despite extensive study at the world's leading language school. Husband to Hilarious, and thus also an enthusiastic philanderer; for this, few blamed him, and many vigorously defended his dalliances even when they occurred on the public payroll.
Bogus	Press agent for the Caesar Administration.
Bonus	Leading employer of Rome; started practice of rewarding slave owners for the increase of output of slaves and other subjugated persons.
Brutus	A surgeon, he invented a way to halt seizures.
Bus	Caesar's chauffeur.
Census	Chief tax official of the Empire. Sole person to understand Form MXL (long).
Circus	Famed promoter of stage acts, among them Bacchus Street Boys, Uno Direction, Britnum Spearius, Lady Gagus, Cher and the Rolling Stones.
Conscience	Political prisoner, serving life term.
Cumulus	Caesar’s weatherman. Often wrong, and sincere in his sorrow he could not be more accurate, his demeanor is the reason for the saying, “under the weather”.
Curious	Chief detective in Caesar’s Roman Bureau of Investigation. Renowned criminal profiler. The model for Vidocq and Sherlock Holmes.
Dannus Ratherus	Invented “fake news”, having been caught presenting a tablet, supposedly defaming Caesar, which was written using Micromollis Sermo.
Delirium	Invented absinthe. Thought to have been a major player in senatorial debate.
Diabetes	Assisted by his chocolatier, Insulin, he invented the Twinkie, the “French” fry and several varieties of candy. Promoted holidays on which these were to be given as gifts, aided by the Roman Dental Association.
Discus	Invented the Frisbee. The concept was lost for a few hundred years on Caesar’s roof.
Doofus	Caesar’s useless brother. Model for chief officialdom for millennia.
Eponymous	Anonymous' real name.
Esophagus	Entertainer; a baritone singer renowned for his range and volume of voice. Married Uvula.
Famous	Publicity agent.
Feces	Developed the infant science of wastewater processing, in association with Plumbum.
Ferris	Promoted and saw enacted the first laws providing Workman’s Compensation, initially providing a Day Off.
Fetus	Intern studying with Caesar's surgeon Brutus; inspired by Brutus to invent the Caesarian Section.
Fitnus	Caesar’s personal trainer and gym manager. Invented synthetic breasts after noting what happened when some clients lost weight.
Focus	Assistant to Greek optics experimenter Spectacles, who stole his designs while he was concentrating on the latest problem.
Formula	Caesar’s chemist. Invented synthetic breast milk upon being notified of Fitnus’ invention.
Fulcrum	Caesar’s “pivot man”, around which Roman social gatherings revolved.
Fungus	Caesar’s unpopular cousin, whose arrival at Roman social gatherings signaled their end.
Genius	Inventor, more famous as apologist for Bacchus, Hilarious and Bilious.
Genus	Caesar’s zookeeper.
Herpes	Legendary gigolo in the service of Caesar’s court. Still a sore spot in court conversation… mentioned in Paulus Abdul’s hit, “Cold-Hearted Snake”, millennia later. Everyone has heard of him.
Hilarious	Put forth the idea that Caesar's wife could be an effective force for Roman public health care (no). Made thousands of talents dealing in publicly-traded asses under suspicious circumstances. Was involved in embarrassing postal service scandal when documents she mailed to the Senate appeared back at her home, postage due, two years later. Also known for being near a dozen or so suspicious deaths. Paid hundreds of thousands of talents in court-ordered compensation to women assaulted by Bilious. Thought to be related to Medusa, in that in addition to those suspicious deaths, no one can seem to remember anything she has done.
Hostus	Principal distributor of the Twinkie™ and dozens of other treats.
Hotnus™	Caesar's main squeeze. Spectacular Blonde, not shy, ~5'3" - in four-inch heels!
Humerus	Assisted by associates Tibia and Femur, was the Roman scientist who discovered osteoporosis, a decidedly unfunny disease.
Humungous	Stylist for Caesar's court. Pioneered the idea that stretch clothing in bright colors was appropriate for large women. Invented the parade float.
Humus	Caesar's gardener, before it became possible to hire the Japanese.
Igneous	Geologist and engineer. Attended by daughter, Magma, he operated a mine on the flank of Vesuvius. Chief figure in conspiracy theories dealing with the destruction of Pompeii.
Impervious	Invented the waterproof toga, the precursor to the raincoat.
Incredulous	Grand-nephew of “Doubting” Thomas. Still can’t believe Great-Unk was fooled by that trick.
Isosceles	Invented the roof truss, A-Frame home, and, assisted by Rhombus, the swing set.
Isthmus	Invented the "causeway" - but his demonstration project was halted by environmental lawsuits when only half completed. His chief engineer, Peninsula, received a jail sentence. He and his daughters, Islet and Atoll, moved to Crete to continue the construction business with his patented synthetic rock.
Jesus	Caesar’s illegal immigrant landscaper (the carpenter guy you’re thinking of was really “Yeshua”, as the letter “J” was not used for several hundred more years).
Julius	Distributor of Rome's most popular citrus drink. Owned estate in Valencia.
Lexus	Builder of fine chariots and chariot accessories.
Litany	A Roman senator. Formerly, as a prosecutor, initiated the concept of charging the same person for several crimes based on the same, single criminal action.
Litmus	Invented the industrial inspection gauge called, “Go/No-Go”, and a method for testing wine that didn’t produce unconsciousness after a couple of hours.
Magician	Almost criminally skilled in the arts of deception, he made himself, thousands of talents and Caesar’s favorite consort disappear from right in front of the Court!
Magnum	Private Investigator in Caesar's employ, renowned for his good looks; reputed to carry large weapons and an enormous container of wine.
Mascara	Criminal mastermind, the Roman of a Thousand Faces!
Maximum	Cosmologist. Hampered by both a lack of the rudiments of telescopy and his fascination with wine, song and fairy cake, he nonetheless promoted the idea that a “Universe” existed on a scale difficult to imagine, much less govern. Alias: Trin Tragula, on Earth incognito.
Minimum	Conservationist. Extreme, to the point of horrifying those who saw how unapologetically cheap he was.
Miraculous	An illusionist whose greatest trick was so astonishing his life story was lost to historians. He was the first to entomb someone alive – and after three days, his randomly-selected volunteer disappeared from within the tomb, even though it was guarded by Roman soldiers. His trick was published in a best-selling book.
Mobius	Owner of the largest strip club in Rome, open XXIV / VII / CCCLXV. It contained a maze, making it difficult to leave the premises.
Momentum	“Hype” man at Caesar’s favorite OTB parlor. Noticed that once a gladiator “got going”, he was hard to stop, and developed ways to spot such a thing.
Mucous	Mucus’ British cousin.
Mucus	Lawyer; used the Twinkie™ defense to free his client, Brutus, from an indictment for killing Caesar with a knife. Bystanders clearly heard Caesar ask Brutus if he had eaten two.
Nautilus	Invented the “workout machine” for Fitnus, modifying oars taken from ships of the line. Developed such machinery to propel his other invention, the submarine, on which construction was abandoned at the halfway point: diving was easy, surfacing was not.
Nimbus	Psychologist who proved that the whole universe revolved around her.
Onus	Caesar's eldest child, for whom the household staff worked hardest.
Opium	Opus' cousin, the "black sheep" of the family. Rich, though no one talks about his sources of income. Always on the road in his custom, lowered Lexus chariot.
Opossum	The first recorded case of narcolepsy.
Optimum	Roman engineer who implemented the very first quality controls.
Opus	Author. Red-headed son of the chief law enforcement officer in Mabri, Andus Taylorus.
Pendulous	Courtesan recorded in the Guinnuss Scroll of Empirical Records as having the largest bosom in Rome: Size LXX.
Pendulum	Invented the grandfather clock, after watching two criminals swing in the breeze along the Appian Way.
Phallus	Architect specializing in towers. Strangely, the meaning of his work has become exactly reversed over the ensuing centuries.
Platinum	Inventor of hair dye. Held patent on several other cosmetic "enhancements" for women; also known for loaning money to those who could not pay for his services immediately, recording such debt on small silver cards.
Platypus	"Prank" taxidermist renowned for his inventive "trophy" wildlife.
Plumbum	Invented the "pipe". Coincidentally invented a method for ensuring that gravity would always provide the motive force for drainage via his piping.
Podium	Invented the “lectern” after noticing that the toga often acted to distract the audience from what he was saying. This device now serves to conceal a lack of manhood on the part of a great many politicians, even as it frustrates countless plebeians intent on studying the nether regions of more feminine speakers.
Pus	The patron saint of teenaged Romans (called "Acne" in Greece). Invented benzocaine; discovered kaolin and bentonite.
Quantum	Theorist who specialized in the examination of very small things; was hampered by having to wait for Leewenhouk to invent the microscope, and by his fondness for drink: Schrödinger's ale, the drinking of which may or may not leave one inebriated, and Heisenberg Stout, of which one may know how much has been consumed or how intoxicated one is, but not both.
Quorum	Roman senator famous for rambling oratory and slight grasp of reality, often described as “not all there”. His predicament may have been hereditary or the result of chemical abuses, but this led to the measure of attendance necessary for an effective meeting… his modern descendants are former state Rep. Corrine Brown - D, FL, and part-time President Joe Biden.
Radius	Scientist and mathematician. First to divide a diameter by two (not easy in Roman numerals!)
Rebus	Nobody quite knows what to make of Rebus...
Rectum	Assistant to Anus (see above)
Remus	Messenger for Bonus; became infamous for his speed at delivering bad news (see above).
Rhesus	Animal behaviorist and experimenter.
Rhombus	Coinventor of the swing set.
Rictus	Invented use of botulinum toxin for cosmetic reasons. Family is source of legendary statement, “Your face will freeze like that”.
Ridiculous	Wrote the Roman tax code. Its principles are still in use today.
Righteous	Founder of the Only Baptist Church of Rome (it changed its name to “First…” when a second one popped up).
Ritalin	Principal of Rome’s first public elementary school, notable for having zero disciplinary problems during his tenure. Its low academic rating is rarely discussed, parents being more appreciative of the school’s zero crime rate than appalled at their progeny’s inability to move out of the garage.
Rufus	Travel Agent. Tagline: "Let me take you on an Excellent Adventure!"
Sarcophagus	The official Embalmer of Rome.
Scrofulous	Outcast reporter of gossip among Rome’s elite.
Scrotum	Captain of Testicles' royal guard. Among his duties was that of keeping the men together. Often boastful about his "old unit".
Scrupulous	The world’s first ethicist. Dismissed by Bilious for giving Hilarious trouble. His horse was nicknamed, “Scruples”, referred to upon his dismissal with the first use of the term, “…and the horse you rode in on!”
Simian	Genealogist in charge of Caesar’s library, featuring his family tree.
Spatula	Caesar's Cordon Bleu chef.
Specious	The first "millennial"; devoted to insignificant activities; demanded and got the first "participant" trophy.
Spectacles	Greek immigrant credited with inventing "glasses". Was inspired by events at toga party following the recognition of "beer goggles".
Speculum	Assistant to Fetus. Forensic pathologist, amateur spelunker.
Sputum	A part-time Process Server and associate of Mucus; gossip columnist and panelist on “Rome’s Got Talent”.
Status	An advertising agent; invented the concept of consumer competition, called, "Keeping Up With The Jonuses".
Stylus	Invented the quill pen.
Synchronous	Caesar's official timekeeper. While most of the time he had no duties, sundials being notoriously reliable, the occasional sporting event tested him severely.
Synonymous	Anonymous' twin brother. Maybe.
Syphilis	Caesar’s chief shepherd, a lonely fellow…
Tarsus	A footsoldier. Invented the athletic shoe.
Taurus	Builder of chariots for the common man.
Tertius	Caesar's third son, sometimes called, "Trey". Redneck. Nobody cares.
Testicles (test'-uh-cleez)	Greek-descended general officer in charge of Caesar's army. Known for tactics of sneak attack at lightning speed, without care for casualties. Not known for skill in sustained battle.
Thesaurus	Orator, famous for use of arcane and archaic idioms in speech. Distant ancestor of both William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal.
Thermos	Invented the insulated beverage container. Assistant Styros found limited success in applying the principle to structures.
Tookus	General Kardashian's daughter, known for her dependent anatomical feature.
Tremendous	A wrestler, with the Mediterranean Wrestling Federation.
Ulna	Radius' life partner.
Uranus	Rome's leading advocate of homosexual rights. Coined phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Uranus was thrown out of the Vatican; he had more success in Greece.
Uvula	A large woman, Uvula was a vocalist, charged with singing the finale at any event; she also served as the world's first public-address system. Married Esophagus.
Vacuum	One of Caesar’s favorite concubines. Invented a new way to clean Caesar’s… quarters.
Xanax	Caesar’s pharmacist. With assistant Valium, world-renowned for his inventory of tranquilizers.

So. You can see, from this small sample, that we have a lot to be thankful for in the development of modern civilization!

Hail Caesar!

Safety

“Security does not exist in nature.” – Helen Keller

Ms. Keller could figure that out, while burdened with significant handicaps. Can you?

You might have the expectation that today is going to be another fine day. It is natural for you to expect that, because days, weeks and years have gone by for you with no nasty surprises. Maybe something nasty is recent in your personal history, and you are facing the new day with hope so you can get through it. Maybe it hasn’t been necessary for you to think about things. You have been protected pretty well by modern society…

Well, that might change pretty fast. Let’s think about it now, before we have to hurry.

What is “safety”? Can you say what it is without using some variation of “safe” in your explanation?

Well – let’s talk about risk first.

Generally, this applies: 

Risk = Probability x Consequences

Probability is the likelihood something will happen. 

This is always a number between, but not including, 0 (never happens/will never happen) and 1 (always happens/is happening). 

These values are excluded because they are absolutes which cannot be observed to exist in properly defined venues – they are no longer probabilities.

Consequences is an “open” term, with positive and negative values, because this is set as part of the definition of the risk.

Risk always happens within a venue – within defined boundaries. Because {probability} is always positive and {consequences} can be negative or positive, Risk can be positive – a reward – or negative – a penalty. 

During any activity, {probability} and {consequences} change constantly, but by different degrees due to change in the environment.

You may notice that {consequences} also only appears when {probability} = 1.  The event of interest happens.

For one example, consider the Risk, “Injury from motorcycle crash”. 

If the Probability Of A Crash is reduced, then Risk is reduced; this can be achieved by either riding less often or by increasing the skill of the rider.

The Consequences Of The Crash will properly have a term which includes the severity of injury. There, it is obvious that protective gear, or selecting a lower travel speed will reduce the consequences, and therefore risk.

You have noticed that the level of reward changes constantly. When riding a motorcycle, this reward changes with perception, subjectively, rather than objectively. This is an important and key distinction: risk is NOT subject to your opinions or wishes, but reward is. You can confirm this for yourself by noting the countless times someone’s wishes failed to account for risks properly, and a tragedy occurred.

One may be as specific about risk as one wishes, so long as physics and logic are strictly observed.

There is another limitation to evaluating risk: your domain can be intruded upon by others. At the same time you are at risk of {event 1}, other events are also possible.

It is the job of the safety professional to anticipate these things, evaluate them for their influence and deflect as many as possible. These people have been ridiculously successful in their field – so much so that the exceptions are sometimes treated as dark humor.

There are a lot of situations in life, on TV and online that give us expectations of risk which are completely wrong. Count on physics. See this article on the “miracle”. We live in a physical world, regardless of our wishes or dreams.

So: "Safety" is the minimization of adverse risk by defending against adverse consequences.

Please remember that it is a goal which cannot actually be reached.

"Rape Culture"

It's in quotes because the membership is somehow determined by others.

Some people in the USA are convinced that there is a body of people which approves of the criminal assault of women, said assault being motivated by unchecked sexual desire. 
There is an immediate problem: depending on the source of the outrage, the definition of "assault" ranges from an "unwanted touch" by a friend to forcible rape by a stranger. 

Not only is the definition of these crimes flexible, depending on the whim of the offended, the responsibility for stopping rape always rests with men.

No one else. No one.

Due process and prosecution is not pursued as vigorously as condemnation because it requires proof, a burden on the affiant. This interferes with the expression of outrage by requiring logic to carry the legal point. Some of this is because the issue partly addresses behavior leading to assault, not the aftermath. 

It is lost on the outraged that men in general do not in fact approve of rape. The offended may have to have this pointed out to them, but men have wives, girlfriends and daughters, some of whom are worth the man's life in his own words. This, and the idea that some unwanted touch is not actually offensive to everyone, but considered a price to be paid for being sexually forward, increases the outrage of those who champion the idea that there is a "rape culture" that shelters and encourages offenders.

Some people think this is new. Others don't quite notice that when they assert independence and freedom of expression, added responsibility comes to them - at least not until it is forcefully explained to them, often by police detectives. This is an old and well-established concept that is hotly protested, though stupidly, because it's a societal law established by cause and effect: everyone interacting in a society will induce events that act on them.
I get accused of "victim-shaming" when I point out that there are times and places one should never wear provocative attire, and that these occasions are increasing in number due to public acceptance of crudeness and obscenity. 
Really? 
Not only are there places *I* cannot go whenever I please, no matter how I dress, if I tell you to look both ways before crossing the street, I'm just trying to help your dumb ass avoid being hit by a bus. You should be ashamed it didn't occur to you that you can be hurt, and someone else had to point out the blindingly obvious.

Let's back off for a bit, and think of human sexuality and explicit action.

There is ample evidence that the American public is seriously bipolar/schizophrenic when it comes to sex. Many people deny vigorously that they seek it, even in the act of seeking it. They turn up their nose at Playboy and those nasty and artificial sluts within, yet reach eagerly for a copy of Cosmopolitan which features an article on how to make your boyfriend go crazy with the latest sexual trick. 

The self-appointed moral superiors on Twitter even harassed adult film star August Ames until she killed herself - it was their business who she had sex with, you see, and she was alarmed about the very real risk of starring with a bisexual male who had worked outside of California's very protective studio environment. She was NOT to control her own body, Twitter shouted.

They confuse speech about sexual predation with real acts, insist that the possession of particular photographs victimize or "diminish" the people in them (even if no real persons are depicted), accept that the pro football player is wonderful when he has children out of wedlock, and defend the single mother who had no intention of ever providing a father for her multiple children. How empowered she is for having multiple sexual partners without commitment!
(You must forget that she does so with other people's money.)

They prohibit, by law, the possession of photographs on a cell phone by a person for whom the acts depicted in those photographs are actually legal.
The widely-acknowledged pursuit of casual sex by men is called an assortment of things, usually derogatory, but noting the pursuit of casual sex by women is called "victim shaming", even when it is objectively addressed. This is plainly irrational. You wear a seat belt because some drivers are dangerous. Will you stop that, and start insisting that other drivers should be taught not to hit you?

I think I've shown that logic is not part of the American sexual psyche. How about desire?

Desire is obvious and everywhere. Americans express this desire in every way with great vigor; for instance, Americans produce more obviously pornographic Web sites per capita than any other nation, and thousands more display "softcore" or less suggestive material (think, "paparazzi"). They spend money on this in amounts dwarfing the Top 5 businesses in America. On stage, we may find Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus, the formerly wholesome Hannah Montana, vigorously gyrating in simulated intercourse with entire crowds of men as they sing about how wonderful it is. Here is an actual lyric from Beyoncé:

"Can you lick my Skittles, it’s the sweetest in the middle/ Pink is the flavor, solve the riddle"

Some women claim this sort of thing is "empowering". How many of those decry "rape culture"? Do you look up to former POTUS and FLOTUS Barack and Michelle Obama? I suggest you should be deeply ashamed of them. This is what they think is just fine for the American public.

Media shows, not just tells, men and women how they are supposed to behave, independently of parental presence, desires and presentation. An immature "man" never trusted to ride a bicycle out of parental view learns from others that domination of another is the only way to express himself, so he emerges at night to do what people outside the home expect him to do with any female he finds.

An immature woman, convinced that she has a right to dress and act as she pleases, without consequences, acts in public as she has been shown.

Where is the "unwanted touch" now?

Both men and women frequent venues created specifically to enable customers to meet someone interested in "the hookup", the modern term for casual sex with any willing partner.
Willing? What?

Aside from media celebrities showing interested people that casual sex is good, they and certain people in public state and show that casual sex is expected if you frequent certain venues and advertise your intent in some ways. This is doubleplusungood for the chaste, the discerning, or those who simply wish to look their best when out and about - when such people mistake their fantasies about human dignity for reality: Others do not care what you think. They care what you show them.

No, wearing a miniskirt and high heels does not entitle anyone to put his or her hands on you - but how much of this is criminal behavior on the observer's part, and how much is a miscommunication, that no, YOUR clothing, generally known to be provocative, is NOT a signal of your desire to have sex, and soon?

Just who are you wearing provocative clothing for, in the venue you have selected? 
If you radiate success via your appearance, who sees that and wishes to join you at any cost?

Meanwhile, the definition of "unwanted touch" varies widely - most notably with the desirability of the person initiating the touch. Then - of course - subsequent events do not follow one or the other party's notions of what is expected. Have we forgotten how powerful sex is at disposing of reason? Did I not show above how the public is nuts about sex already?

Have you not noticed that gunfire sometimes occurs around nightclubs?

Can you actually claim that it is someone else's responsibility to see that you aren't there when that kind of violence occurs? What role do you actually have in supporting a venue that attracts such a thing?

At some colleges, there are actual forms to fill out by couples intending to have sex, in which specific acts are to be spelled out and permissions granted in writing before clothes come off.
How do you like that idea? Maybe there's an app?

Now: the issue is the criminal sexual assault of women. ALL of that is prosecutable. How do we determine whether entrapment and other factors apply? How do you determine the difference between premeditation and a crime of passion - a distinction actually made in murder trials? Where is the "unwanted touch" now? Can you even define it?

Sexual assault is a crime. That is not the question. Who defends you, though? 

YOU must defend yourself.
 
The Supreme Court, in Warren v. DC, stated clearly that police have NO DUTY to protect your person. There is no exception.

Read that again. There is NO EXCEPTION. Self-defense is YOUR job.

Meanwhile, rape still carries with it the stigma of the crime for many people, in different ways. In many cases, the victim's own "friends", "family" and "loved ones" remind the victim whenever possible that they are forever soiled and broken, never to take a free breath again. That must be overcome to see that the truly criminal get their just desserts.

As for those who are NOT criminal - but just misguided, maybe immature - it remains that the defense against them is STILL in the hands of the object of their attention. After all, how can you be an empowered woman - whatever that means - and still clamor for anonymous others to protect you, and that you are never at fault for engaging in the risky behavior of appearing sexually available to those whom you have no intention of allowing into your personal space, much less your life?

I will cheerfully defend you against criminal action. Please see to it that I am not the first to do so!

-----

Addendum: many activists on this issue can be seen defending Sharia law being practiced in the USA. Apparently, these persons have not noticed that women will be property, every bit a slave, to a male in that society.

It is to wonder.

Red Herring

The "red herring" is a distraction, meant to divert your attention from what is really happening to you.

Are you playing Pokémon Go?
Do you recognize what it is in addition to a game?

If you were intent on determining just what boundaries are defended, AND you wanted to see how far you can distort those boundaries by applying social pressure, you could not come up with a better solution than this game.

Consider: the game gets otherwise harmless people, with spare time, to chase icons placed at geographic locations. If some of these icons are placed within private boundaries, the consequences of trespassing 50 feet or so will be trivial to most players, who are typically very low on the socioeconomic scale and who have little to lose; there is also not much incentive to prosecute them.
With private property, a significant burden is placed on the property owner, in that he must not harm a trespasser for the simple act of being present on his property. This is true whether the trespasser is alone or in a group. Government assumes the power to deal deadly force for itself, but denies it to you in this case.

The program maps the progress of people seeking rewards playing the game, and in the process determines just which icons/characters are effectively out of reach due to defensive measures, like fences, "No Trespassing" signs or armed security. It returns this info and near-real-time photos of those locations to the server.

And all of this is accomplished with the unwitting cooperation of enthusiastic players with absolutely nothing else on their minds.
I have no idea who you are, Anonymous Criminal Mastermind, but you are a genius!

Free Will

Sometimes, you really do not have a choice...

It always amazes me when people talk about some emotional impact that causes them to change their opinion about a deity.
They never seem to realize that it's themselves, not the real world, around which their belief rotates. They'll claim that they have a choice about their belief, and that validates the "purity" of their choice.

But "Free Will" is not a religious concept. It does not depend on the existence of any deity, because "choice" is exercised between options apparent to the decisor regardless of origin - theoretical, "theological" or otherwise. You might be interested to know that in every case studied with logical rigor, what appears to be a chain of choices is actually predetermined.


How do you think magicians know where you're looking?

-----

There are a few misconceptions about the real world to clear out of the way.

First: the world is not truly random. If you were flipping a coin, the "universe" consists of only three possibilities: "heads", "tails", or the edge of the coin. In the real world, elements behave according to the laws of gravitation, magnetism and the strong and weak nuclear forces at a minimum.

What this means is that the world is not truly random. A truly random universe cannot have a law of physics.
And it means that "order" does not require guidance of any kind.


Second: the universe offers a realm of possibilities which is very large. Extremely large. Mind-bogglingly, staggeringly large. Take a number you think is big (but don't make a noise about "infinity" - it doesn't mean what you think it means), and double it. The actual mechanism is the interplay of the four fundamental forces noted above. In this world, it is still possible for there to be two fingerprint sets which are the same, two retinal patterns which are the same, and two Taj Mahals, one of which was spat out of an active volcano intact - because a) the Taj Mahal was assembled according to the laws of physics, b) the laws of physics do not depend on humans to exist, and c) all of space and all of time describes the venue in which that act can be played. That we cannot point to this having happened does not preclude it. That the consequences of discovering this event are nil does not invalidate the principle.

Third: the nature of the choices we make differ in magnitude. Yes, you can make a choice which has no consequence. You can make one which does have a consequence. You can make choices up to the point at which your abilities interfere with your means of making a choice. For instance, you can't choose to step outside and just jump to fly to the moon. That's not a choice because of the requirements natural laws make for you to travel.

Fourth: when you look at something, you are viewing processes at their current level of completion. This confuses people fond of noting that if they had done something different, the result, they say, would be different, too. This is not really the case. The alternatives are: different path, different result; different path, same result. That second part is suppressed, because people want to think they've figured out what went wrong so they can avoid such a mistake as they perceive from happening again. Look at a game of solitaire for an example. More than one sequence of play produces a solution, and more than one sequence produces a stoppage.
This principle even applies to process which do not involve you, or which differ with respect to your level of participation.

Fifth: the interference of an outside force can change the consequences of your decision(s), raising the magnitude of uncertainty beyond what is apparent.



In short:

• Free will has limits. 
• Free will is independent of religious affiliation. 
• Some of what you choose is insignificant. 
• Other people's decisions can affect you. 
• Order is a result of the combination and permutations of existing forces.


And, of course, you're not really getting a "do over!" for anything. The stream will have moved on.